So my mother called me today and when I answered, she immediately said, "You need to take me to lunch!"
"When would you like to go?" I asked.
"Right now," she answered. "Come pick me up!"
"Mom," I said. "I'm working at the coffee shop right now. I can't just leave to take you to lunch. How about we go to lunch tomorrow?"
"I can't tomorrow," she said. "Sunday is my only day off."
"What do you mean?" I asked. "You don't have a job."
I heard her audibly cluck at this, as if I'd said something incredibly stupid.
"Sunday is the only day I don't have my afternoon rituals," she explained. She means her 3-hour daily afternoon regimen that's a mix of christian prayer, voodoo ritual, and psychic concentration. I've only had the slightest glimpse of her doing this in her living room, rocking back and forth on her living room couch with her eyes squeezed shut, muttering who knows what.
"Well," I continued moronically. "That's not really a job."
This hit a nerve.
"Who do you think protects you?" she exclaimed. "It's not easy keeping away all the spells and demons!"
I knew I'd gone too far, so I decided to backtrack.
"I know, Mom," I said. "How about we go to lunch next Sunday?"
"That will be fine," she said in a much calmer tone.