Saturday, May 12, 2012

This Story Totally Happened

Last night, during our regular crimefighting spree across the western U.S., I watched my man Ray (AKA "The Ubiquity") save the world from not one, but TWO alien invasions (although the second one doesn't really count since it was just a virus-infected meteor that he sprayed with Lysol). He also stopped a suicide bomber from blowing up the Staples Center by talking him into unstrapping the bomb and joining the Salvation Army. Then he single-handedly broke up a turf battle in Arizona between heavily-armed rival motorcycle gangs with the Mentos-in-Diet-Coke trick and a few classic stand-up jokes. The only real fight he got into was with an overweight security guard, who, after stumbling upon us performing an ancient incantation in order to pacify the spirits who were haunting a no-kill animal shelter in Utah, tried to detain The Ubiquity for trespassing. You just haven't lived until you've seen Ray shake off a Taser burst to deliver a flying sternum kick to a rent-a-cop who won't listen to reason! Though the rent-a-cop wouldn't go down easy (by dint of his sheer girth), Ray eventually dropped him with a 3-Stooges dope-slap and a Vulcan nerve-pinch.

We finished the night off with breakfast burritos at this all-night taco place over on Charleston, after which The Ubiquity dropped me off at my coffee-shop and zoomed off in his cold-fusion-powered jet-dirigible to his regular life in Oregon.

And who am I?

I am Ray's proud, steadfast sidekick: The Insomniac!

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