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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

NSFW: Extreme Morning Wood

So I woke up with the worst morning wood ever, sticking straight up like a purple, throbbing flagpole.

It could not have been more perfectly-angled had I been a committed urophagist, and its rigidity approached something on the upper reaches of the Mohs hardness scale. I would've rubbed it out, but my bladder was painfully distended with the gallon of mint iced-tea I'd ingested just before falling asleep.

Contorting in front of the toilet, I tried everything short of standing on my head to get my member to point bowlward, but it was a no-go. Bending it felt like I was trying to break it off at the base, so I said fuck it and got in the shower and made like a fountain, gushing for a full minute as I stood at the very back of the bathtub so my pressurized stream could arc into the drain, accompanied by 2 gut-wrenching farts and, at the end, a little belch that tasted strangely of apples and garlic.

And then came the magic, the reason I felt the need to share this moment with you, for there, as I stared at the far end of my gurgling stream, concentrating on my aim in order to get most of the flow into the drain, I swear, just before I finished, I saw a little rainbow. Whether my tears were from relief or some unspoken renewal of some strange covenant with myself, I cannot say. Perhaps I was hallucinating.

When my urine petered out, my johnson deflated and I felt as spent as a honeymooner, so I quickly rinsed myself and the tub and went back to bed to collapse into the blissful slumber of the truly relieved.

jjwylie@gmail.com
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3 comments:

  1. Did you kinda feel like this:

    http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/2011/03/16/are-you-sure-thats-how-you-want-to-hold-that-breadstick-squirrel/?xrs=synd_facebook

    ReplyDelete
  2. Out of this entire insanely funny post the line that -really- gets me is
    "a little belch that tasted strangely of apples and garlic."

    ReplyDelete